Posts tagged Hosted
Open Post: Hosted By A True Lady
Apr 29th
Some of you might need to cleanse your eyeballs of the extra chunky skankness left by Kim and Kanye, so open your eyes wide and let them feel the breath of fresh sophistication wafting off of “fitness expert” and “lifestyle consultant” Jennifer Nicole Lee (Google her, you dumb fuck!). Jennifer isn’t only a beacon of refinement, she’s also a fashion designer and she’s the one who created that elegant dress which perfectly frames her Louvre-worthy tramp stamp.
Open Golden Globes Post: Hosted By The Dog From The Artist
Jan 16th
I turned on E! a little while ago and watched Nicole Richie tell Ryan Gaycrest, “Yeah, my hair is by SUAVE professionals,” so I already know that tonight’s theme is FUCKERY. I would’ve joined Nicole’s fan club if she said that her dress was by Charlotte Russe Couture and her shoes were by Chinese Laundry Black Label, but she didn’t. Anyway, it’s the Golden Globes tonight and it’s that time of year when we watch half of Hollywood ignore the full bottles of champagne on the table (that’s the hardest part in watching this mess) as Ricky Gervais (aka the HARDEST and BADDEST comedian on the stroll aka the Crips of comedians aka Blah Blah Blah) makes fun of celebwhores to their faces. EDGY! But importantly, it’s also when we all get to swallow bottles of 100 proof whatever while making fun of whores wearing dresses that cost more than our EVERYTHING!
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Open Post: Hosted By Shit Latinas Say
Jan 9th
After Shit Girls Say, Shit Gay Guys Say, Shit Black Girls Say, Shit White Girls Say To Black Girls and Shit Cats Say, here’s the one my soul has really been waiting for since the beginning this shit started: Shit Latinas Say! But you know, this should really be called Shit Nuyoricans Say, because besides the “pedo like…” line, none of the Latinas I know say shit like this. Where’s the line about crunchy curls, or chile salt with watermelon or reciting the lyrics of a Stevie B song or any of that? This is like Really Ugly Betty meets Precious (Preciosa?). This mess is strictly New York.
Open Post: Hosted By The Mayor Of San Juan’s Extremely Classy Christmas Card
Dec 11th
Look at that leopard eating an antelope on a family Christmas card! Nope. Chuck Testa.
I haven’t even seen your Christmas card and I can guarantee your ass that it’s not as fucked up as the mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico’s official Christmas postcard. (Note: If your Christmas card looks like this or this, that last sentence isn’t for you.) Mayor Jorge Santini explained this Planet Earth mess of a Christmas card by saying he wanted to promote the San Juan Wildlife Museum. Um. This doesn’t promote the Wildlife Museum, this promotes fresh foolery of the highest order. I don’t know if that antelope has the look of sheer fear in its eyes because the feeling of hot death is on its neck or if it’s just terrified of that little Rebecca Black on the left eating souls with her eyes. Seriously.
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Open Post: Hosted By Nicki Minaj’s Contoured To Hell Nose
Dec 4th
The story goes that one night Geppetto carved a Fran Drescher figurine out of a Bronzer stick and then the MAC fairy floated in and brought it to life with drops of Lil’ Kim’s saliva before naming it Nicki Minaj. I know that story. So I am well aware that 98% of Nicki is made of whatever they put into foundation, but the shit she did to her nose last night was still uncalled for. Nicki is making Mr. Potato Head’s nose look like something that was born from nature. That shit looks like it’s made of zebrawood. When I look at a nose, I should not have the overwhelming urge to dust it with Pledge. I can’t even fully hate on her uncooked Top Ramen noodle wig, because I’m too busy staring at that white skid mark on her nose.
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Open Post: Hosted By Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds
Oct 23rd
Breaking snooze! These high resolution pictures are so crystal clear that it could really be Jonathan Lipnicki (Happy Birthday!) on stilts and La Pequena (never 4get) on stilts for all the hell I know, but apparently it’s Ryan Reynolds and Marble Mouth McTitties leaving his Boston apartment with their dogs really early this morning.
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Open Post: Hosted By Lindsay Lohan’s Latest Courthouse Party
Oct 19th
The poster mess for Teeth of Meth and the trick who makes not giving a fuck looks like a profession is back at her home away from the crack house today to face Judge Stephanie and possibly face a year in the chokey for caring about her community service sentence the same way she cares about scraping the meth smegma off of the rotting nails in her mouth. TMZ has the best live stream that I could find in case you want to play a drinking game with yourself by downing a shot of dirty crack pipe water every time she rolls her eyes. You better have the number of White Oprah’s favorite back alley doctor on speed dial, because you’ll probably be drinking yourself to an overdose since I just saw her roll her eyes thrice in a row.
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Open Post: Hosted By Pastor Wife Magen
Oct 16th
Because the Family Feud of today sets their contestants up to say dirty shit, they asked 100 people “Name something you put in your mouth but don’t swallow.“
You sluts probably didn’t even think of jizz as something you don’t swallow, but Pastor Wife Magen did! I guess she’s more of a snowballer than a swallower. After Steve Harvey finished his way too long “clutching my pearls” church comedy routine, Magen spit out the sperm. It wasn’t on the board, which means the 100 people they polled are all cum guzzlers, which means their polling place is at the Scientology’s men’s sauna.
Open Post: Hosted By Yet Another Maru Video
Oct 4th
Maru has jumped out of the box for his latest cinematic YouTube and is sprawling himself out on a shag rug to get up close and personal. This is a little too intimate for me so I’ll leave you two alone. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to cue up “Your Body Is A Wonderland” on my way out.
Emmys Open Post: Hosted By The Always Stunning Cojo!
Sep 19th
If you took one look at that picture and thought to yourself, “Damn! Tipper Gore is looking sessy hot!”, then please slap your b-hole not-so-gently with a Parental Advisory sticker, because how dare you do Cojo like that.
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